Sunday, June 1, 2008
Friday, June 1, 2007
instruction manual
when someone says they want to know about you, how serious are they? and how honest do they actually want you to be?
im a wreck, im a basket case. im happy, im easily amused. im a walking contradiction. ive made a lot of mistakes, sometimes, im sure, solely for the twisted sake of making them. im painfully honest, unattractively blunt. ill either call you out on something or let you get away with it (depending on how much its worth to me), but i always notice. im a good pretender. i always manage to convince myself that im functioning on own my terms, (justified entirely by the theory that its not what happens to you, but how you react to it.) im naive to a fault, i trust when i shouldnt and dont trust when i should. but id rather be absolutely crushed than be bitter. ive been strung out, screwed up, high as a kite and at rock bottom but those are places ill never go again. i practice loyalty like a religion. my best friends are the ones that have been there since i was a kid, but it only takes me a matter of minutes to decide if someone is worth sacrificing everything for. family to me has nothing to do with blood. i treat every relationship with the priniciples of a marriage - theres no reason doing anything if your not going to give it everything. my definitions of success and failure are based on my personal life rather than professional, and go against everything ive ever been taught. but thats me, and dont think im not ambitious. about ninety-five percent of my life is based on emotion, the other five percent is saved for logic. i may be illogical, but i am not irrational. i dont have the kind of family i can blame all my problems on; theyre the greatest people in the world, and always have been to me. my parents have never given up, and have taught me all i know about commitment. and theres not a single soul in the world i trust more than my big brother. i fall in love with good conversation and anyone thats genuine. i test the waters. i often think i know my limits (end up surprising myself), and try to hold back just enough to protect myself. ive been taken advantage of, but ive been opportunistic as well. id rather sleep with someone than alone, but im learning this isnt possible to do on a platonic level (yeah, naive?). im an idealist - my fault. i dont get down. i miss the people that have left me, and for the most part i am terrible at keeping in touch. im so often too intense, too hard for anyone to handle. im an assignment that might pay off. im an accident waiting to happen. if youre dealing with me, be a good person, and if you cant be a good person, at least be honest. thats a little redeeming (but realistic?). sincerity is the most respectable quality on the planet. in certain ways im shy, secretive - even my closest friends don't know everything about me. im (easily) psychosomatic. i never do anything without a reason. i have a short attention span. i say things out loud that should be internalized and (despite how it looks) i know too much about myself for my own good. i follow train of thought. im manic at times and if were (to admit to) looking for anyone, it would be someone who could keep me grounded. someone to take care of me. im like a child. im vulgar. i keep secrets because im so flattered that anyone would ever trust me. i do not lie. i love being speechless. i melt when someone i care about says my first name. i hate liars, and when people call me pet names without knowing me. my biggest fears are infinity and infidelity. im terrified of marriage at this point, but i would give everything i have to succeed at that. im nostalgic, but overly focused on the future. i rationalize. i take responsibility where i know i shouldnt have to, and try to give the benefit of the doubt. im an unsuccessful true monogamist. i smoke when im uncomfortable and cry when im frustrated. i can be read like a book. the only regrets i have are not concerning things i have done, but rather things i havent done. most people will never know how much i really feel for them. im unwittingly self destructive. i dont take very good care of myself. i quote lyrics, old philosophers, and anything i can relate to. i can't say if im a good girlfriend (i do try), but i take pride in being a good ex-girlfriend - endings are just as important as beginnings. i hold on to things too long. i torture myself with details. reality shouldnt be realtive and id rather have a truth that wounds me than i lie that heals me any day of the week. sometimes i think im strong enough on my own. sometimes im wrong. i dont ever want to sacrifice absolutely everything for someone, but i want to meet the person that would make that option the better choice. im attracted most to people who i believe can make me feel safe. i dont mind being told what to do if i know the person has my best interests at heart. im mostly an innocent. ive dealt out enough heartache for a lifetime, and i ask for forgiveness all the time. im a sucker for second chances, but there's always a limit. hindsight is 20/20...
"im unconsoled. im lonely. i am so much better than i used to be."
i am long winded.
i am self-indulgent.
i am abrupt.
im a wreck, im a basket case. im happy, im easily amused. im a walking contradiction. ive made a lot of mistakes, sometimes, im sure, solely for the twisted sake of making them. im painfully honest, unattractively blunt. ill either call you out on something or let you get away with it (depending on how much its worth to me), but i always notice. im a good pretender. i always manage to convince myself that im functioning on own my terms, (justified entirely by the theory that its not what happens to you, but how you react to it.) im naive to a fault, i trust when i shouldnt and dont trust when i should. but id rather be absolutely crushed than be bitter. ive been strung out, screwed up, high as a kite and at rock bottom but those are places ill never go again. i practice loyalty like a religion. my best friends are the ones that have been there since i was a kid, but it only takes me a matter of minutes to decide if someone is worth sacrificing everything for. family to me has nothing to do with blood. i treat every relationship with the priniciples of a marriage - theres no reason doing anything if your not going to give it everything. my definitions of success and failure are based on my personal life rather than professional, and go against everything ive ever been taught. but thats me, and dont think im not ambitious. about ninety-five percent of my life is based on emotion, the other five percent is saved for logic. i may be illogical, but i am not irrational. i dont have the kind of family i can blame all my problems on; theyre the greatest people in the world, and always have been to me. my parents have never given up, and have taught me all i know about commitment. and theres not a single soul in the world i trust more than my big brother. i fall in love with good conversation and anyone thats genuine. i test the waters. i often think i know my limits (end up surprising myself), and try to hold back just enough to protect myself. ive been taken advantage of, but ive been opportunistic as well. id rather sleep with someone than alone, but im learning this isnt possible to do on a platonic level (yeah, naive?). im an idealist - my fault. i dont get down. i miss the people that have left me, and for the most part i am terrible at keeping in touch. im so often too intense, too hard for anyone to handle. im an assignment that might pay off. im an accident waiting to happen. if youre dealing with me, be a good person, and if you cant be a good person, at least be honest. thats a little redeeming (but realistic?). sincerity is the most respectable quality on the planet. in certain ways im shy, secretive - even my closest friends don't know everything about me. im (easily) psychosomatic. i never do anything without a reason. i have a short attention span. i say things out loud that should be internalized and (despite how it looks) i know too much about myself for my own good. i follow train of thought. im manic at times and if were (to admit to) looking for anyone, it would be someone who could keep me grounded. someone to take care of me. im like a child. im vulgar. i keep secrets because im so flattered that anyone would ever trust me. i do not lie. i love being speechless. i melt when someone i care about says my first name. i hate liars, and when people call me pet names without knowing me. my biggest fears are infinity and infidelity. im terrified of marriage at this point, but i would give everything i have to succeed at that. im nostalgic, but overly focused on the future. i rationalize. i take responsibility where i know i shouldnt have to, and try to give the benefit of the doubt. im an unsuccessful true monogamist. i smoke when im uncomfortable and cry when im frustrated. i can be read like a book. the only regrets i have are not concerning things i have done, but rather things i havent done. most people will never know how much i really feel for them. im unwittingly self destructive. i dont take very good care of myself. i quote lyrics, old philosophers, and anything i can relate to. i can't say if im a good girlfriend (i do try), but i take pride in being a good ex-girlfriend - endings are just as important as beginnings. i hold on to things too long. i torture myself with details. reality shouldnt be realtive and id rather have a truth that wounds me than i lie that heals me any day of the week. sometimes i think im strong enough on my own. sometimes im wrong. i dont ever want to sacrifice absolutely everything for someone, but i want to meet the person that would make that option the better choice. im attracted most to people who i believe can make me feel safe. i dont mind being told what to do if i know the person has my best interests at heart. im mostly an innocent. ive dealt out enough heartache for a lifetime, and i ask for forgiveness all the time. im a sucker for second chances, but there's always a limit. hindsight is 20/20...
"im unconsoled. im lonely. i am so much better than i used to be."
i am long winded.
i am self-indulgent.
i am abrupt.
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